Musings of the Sadsiren

Today is a day intended to give thanks for surviving through another year. I think I have a lot to be grateful for this year. In no particular order...

I'm being supported while going to college full time.
I have a new computer to utilize.
I haven't lost any family members during that time.
I'm in decent health myself.
A few friendships have been restored.
I've been able to get into LARP again.
I was able to return to Anime Expo.
I've finally posted some songs on Youtube.

And there's one other thing I want to go into a little more detail about. With my new compy, I finally did get around to testing how it handled Second Life and it is BEAUTIFUL. It's drawn me back into hanging around on there, looking at re-creations of real life places, or gardens designed out of the imagination. I also managed to learn how to stream singing live with a karaoke track, which they can set in world for people to listen to. So now I have a serious performance coming up on December 6th! I think I have everything I need, but I'm still a bit nervous. >.>

I think that I'll probably post the streaming link on Facebook on the day of the performance. That way if people who don't normally use SL want to listen in, they can. I don't have my own host server, but I rent one from a vendor for real cheap.

For now, have a Happy Thanksgiving!

A few things occurred since the last post, so I figure it's enough for a healthy recap post.

Got Bs on my History of Opera Midterm and Report. Aced my Japanese midterm skit plus got extra points for being voted best actress by the class. =3 Not feeling too good about the US History test though. True or False questions really suck, especially when there's 100 of them. x.x I'm just hoping I got a passing score.

On Saturday, October 24th, we had Vampire LARP, but acted like the events were ICly taking place on Halloween. As my character Matilda would of course dress up for the occasion, I had shopped beforehand for a suitable costume. I'd been thinking about dressing as Little Red Riding Hood, but in the end, I went with Alice from Alice in Wonderland. Brett ended up dressing as Sweeney Todd. I'm glad Ryan was able to make it to play his Kuejin character. We were able to interact for much of the night, both with silly moments and serious moments.

Photo of Alice costume.

The following day, my computer's power supply zapped and died, taking my video card along with it. Seeing it was on its last legs, I knew I had to get a new computer altogether. Mom said she'd buy me a new one if I could give her a ballpark estimate on cost. We ended up getting a nice one from Frys at a price not unlike what we paid when we bought my now deceased compy almost 6 years ago. I have lots of disk space now, and a high end graphics card. ^-^ WoW looks so much better now! I have yet to test how Second Life looks with it, but I'm gonna be checking it out soon. I'm just glad I was able to get the comp so quickly, and was able to transfer all my files from the old drives to the new one. Windows 7 is pretty nice, though I'm having to learn a few tricks to make the adjustment. I say definitely get it if you're getting a new computer.

Last Tuesday I was struck with the flu, or at least flu-like symptoms. Fever, aches, coughing, shortness of breath (not something you wanted coupled with asthma, let me tell you!). It kept me from going to school this past Wednesday, as I didn't want to get others sick and likely would have been dying trying to tough it out. Thankfully it lightened up as we reached the weekend. I'm feeling much better now by comparison.

On Wednesday, I turned 29. My final year as a twenty-something begins. Being sick on my birthday sucked, but it's not like anything much would have happened really. My present to myself was going to see a late night showing of This Is It at an IMAX theater in Burbank.

I'll admit, I was facing a moral dilemma when it came to this movie. I didn't want to feed into some means of exploiting Michael after death. But Brett made the point that there *was* a debt that was being paid when they had planned the concerts in the first place. And I was really curious and eager to see how Michael was in the film. So I went ahead and bought a ticket. Since it was late on a weeknight, there was only about 15 or so people in the theater with me. But it was good company. Everyone was a fan. It is very much a concert movie more than a documentary. And for those 2 hours, it was as if he were still alive. We could see what a fantastic performance everyone on the team was so ready to give back in July. It was, and would have been, great. I loved when he and Judith Hill were singing I Just Can't Stop Loving You. He can't help getting into it even though he's trying to save his voice. The film footage they made for several songs were also pretty cool. The little girl for Earth Song is so adorable! *sigh* Leaving the theater kinda felt the same as waking from a dream with Dad in it... It feels so certain that they were alive only a moment ago....and the reality sets back in... Anyway....

When Halloween rolled around, I was feeling loads better. Not 100% recovered, but well enough to handle a night on the town. Brett and I dressed up in our costumes again and tried to go to a couple of haunted houses. The lines were way ridiculous though, so we could only choose 1 thing to wait in line for. I decided to go with the House of Restless Spirits, as I thought it would be something Brett would appreciate, given he runs Wraith plot for the Giovanni game.  He seemed to like it a lot.  The place definitely was creepy! o.o

We went to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Nuart with Sins of the Flesh.  Man, it brought back old times.  Brett and I were shouting call backs.  I bought a prop kit so I could throw items and such.  And it was interesting seeing how much the Sins cast had changed since I saw them 10 years ago.  They had two people splitting each main role now, which worked really well, as it allowed the actors to do their makeup properly without a rush job.  The Tim Burton Preshow was funny too.  It was a parody of what Rocky would be like if Tim Burton had directed the movie, using a mix of sound bytes from Rocky and several Burton films.  The nostalgia made Brett consider going to see Sins regularly on the first Saturday of the month.  I'm not sure if we will, but I admit it felt nice getting out and doing something fun and interactive.

And with that, I'm off for bed.

Figured I'd post while trying to wake up for school. x.x

I have 5 songs up on Youtube now.  I think they turned out pretty well.  Not flawless, but good enough that I didn't feel so bad sharing with the world.  I want to record more, but I haven't been feeling well lately.  I'm hoping that the recent prescriptions will help fix things, even though the doctor wouldn't refill the prednisone yet. >.>

I slacked a little the past two weeks I think.  I don't know what the results of my first report and midterm test are yet in my History of Opera class, but I know it's not going to be an A.  I'm hoping for a B at least.  The report was difficult to write, because I felt like I was grasping at straws trying to figure out a lot to say about what she said we should discuss in our paper.  We have to do a second one, which I feel like will be even more difficult, because it'll be based on a performance I'll only see once (as opposed to a filmed opera).  Will have to shell out some cash and make a lot of notes after the performance. x.x

I missed a part of a chapter for Japanese, which kinda threw me off when we had the chapter test.  Kanji kicks my ass if I don't write it out a lot.  I got a C on the last test, but I made up for it by doing better on Monday's quiz.  Our midterm today is to perform a skit based on what we learned in the current and previous chapters.  I was worried at first because I was having trouble discerning words in the Japanese translation the bishounen wrote based off of my English script.  But after memorizing it, I can recognize the words being used now, so I don't feel like I'm doing it purely by rote.  I hope those in our class will understand it, because it's pretty funny for the middle part.

There's a midterm for early US History tonight as well.  I'm hoping it won't be terribly difficult.  I've felt good about watching the videos, but the reading of the textbook?  Not so much. >.>  We have to do a library assignment and a map assignment as a means to study for exams that'll be based on them as well.  I'm not looking forward to that at all.  I'm hopeful though that I can do well regardless.  I want to keep my GPA high for a change, and passing this class will erase a past mistake.

Time to hop in the car and drive!

I just posted a recording of myself singing on Youtube for the first time. I feel so anxious. x.x

Mreh, I feel a bit bummed right now.  Why?  Reasons that I'm sure seem foolish...

The bishounen from my class wanted to try playing on an RO server again, as he too used to play the game years ago.  I joined a server with him, even though...it's most likely in vain.  He mentioned having a girlfriend (without my asking either) that he's been with for a few years.  Not unexpected, and honestly, that's not even the thing that hurts most right now...

I had told him before about how Jon and I used to play together, and he thought I should try to get Jon to play too.  So I mentioned this to Jon, and he easily obliged, making a couple characters to try.  I helped him on my priest some, just like before.

I...still don't think I've gotten over him.  Which is stupid, I know...  I look back at the screenshots from when we started playing on qRO, which is when we started becoming close.  I've known Jon for about 3 and a half years now.  We were together for a year and 5 months of that.  It feels like it was so short a time, and as if it were not too long ago.  But it's been a year and 8 months since he broke up with me and went back to his previous girlfriend.  Why....why does it still hurt?  Whenever I think about it, explain what happened....the tears come so easily.  Why is the wound still so fresh, so deep?

I suppose a part of it is because there hasn't been a current relationship in my life to help move on.  With Brett around, and insecurities keeping me from going anywhere social, I haven't had much in the way of opportunities to meet anyone outside of school.  The bishounen gave me a glimmer of possibility, but now with that dashed, I feel as I did before...as if I've lost the will to seek love out.

But honestly, for the sake of my education, I probably am better off not being in a relationship.  I want to make sure I don't screw this chance up, and keep my priorities in check.  Plus, anyone I meet at PCC might not necessarily be compatible with the path I'm choosing to follow.  Could I bear the heartache of losing someone due to conflicting schedules, or where they choose to finish college, or begin their career?...

I just wish that the memory didn't hurt so much...  It doesn't seem right to still cry over it...

Today was my first day of class for the Fall semester.  The History of Opera class looks promising.  I know a lot of people thought the teacher was a bit on the harsh side, but she seems like she means well.  The only thing that bothers me is that she wants us to get a book for mandatory reading, yet it's not one readily available in the local bookstores.  Gonna have to order it from Amazon, but I don't know that it'll get here soon enough for the first few reading assignments.

Japanese class was a bit tough.  Language is truly a lose it or use it situation.  I sometimes find that certain hiragana don't get used very often, which leads to me sometimes forgetting what they look like. x.x  The teacher wants us to be able to keep a diary in Japanese, and our first homework assignment is to write a 15 sentence paragraph introducing and describing ourselves.  I'm hoping that things won't be as daunting as they appear.  The teacher is new to PCC, so she's just starting to learn how to use the department specific textbook.  What sucks is that she's going by a second edition book, while most of us have the first edition.  I sure hope it won't cause any complications.  I had kinda wished I could have been with the same teacher again, but....something came along that has made me glad that I ended up in the class that I did.

In the Tokimeki games, you usually start out meeting the main guy by chance.  I swear it felt that way while I was sitting in the classroom waiting for the class to start.  Since it was in the same room as when I took Japanese 1 during the summer, I chose to sit in the same seat I had before.  As I waited, a guy came and sat in the desk to my left.  My eyes looked up, wondering who had chosen to sit near me....and my jaw virtually dropped.  A bishounen was sitting beside me!  I'm not kidding!  As he confirmed later on, he was half white, half Japanese.  I couldn't help thinking how much he looked like one of the guys from the games made real.  His brown hair that seemed to naturally fall into style, his clear white skin, his pale blue eyes....  I felt like I was blessed to see such a handsome man walking the earth.

He partnered with me while we practiced greeting each other and asking each other questions in Japanese to get to know each other better.  It turns out that he is into video games, and even did some translations for a few Japanese games.  I was showing him the DS and PSP games I had with me during the break. XD 

My heart was racing then, and it races now, thinking back on the memory.  What is it I'm feeling in my heart?  Is it...hope?

I'm not sure why, but between the end of summer interim and now I've not been feeling well.  It screwed my sleep schedule up a lot, causing me to stay awake through the night and sleeping through daylight hours.  Not the best way to make use of free time in the summer.  =/

Because of this, I continued to hyper-focus on my Tokimeki games, building up more fan girl steam.  But what I like about the games is that aside from having some well designed and voiced characters, it's had me thinking a lot about the dynamics of relationships, the ability of the game  to evoke emotional reactions, and so on. 

It's also shown me that I still have a looooooooooooooong way to go in mastering the Japanese language.  I can read hiragana and katakana with ease now, but there's a lot of kanji that I still need to learn.  That aside, I do want to get used to recognizing spoken words as well.  PCC has conversational Japanese classes, but I can't take them until after I've finished (and passed) Japanese 2.

I realize that Japanese for me is like what Italian was for Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love.  There's beauty in many languages, but for some reason Japanese stands out for me moreso than not.  I love how it sounds, in music, in anime or drama.  I don't see myself as pursuing a career in Japan, but I do know that I would love to visit the country.  And...if the likes of Yokko Kanno or Nobuo Uematsu were to metaphorically come to my doorstep and ask me to perform, I would say yes in a heartbeat. XD  Fire Bomber and the Final Fantasy Vocal Collections were the first sources of Japanese music (with lyrics) I'd ever heard.  They left such a great impression on me...  I think they're to blame for my wanting to enter the karaoke contest those years ago.  It's so funny now thinking about it.  I knew so few songs then.  I still feel like I don't know very many, since I am often out of the loop due to lack of funds and not being the sort to torrent a lot of anime.  But...when a good song manages to cross my path, I love hearing it and learning to sing it, even when I still don't understand the meaning.  I'm hoping to change that as I learn the language, so that the beauty won't be limited by raw sound alone anymore.

Brett and I managed to see the anime exhibit they had at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.  Pretty nice collection of anime cels and some memorabilia, though we were able to view all of them in about an hour.  We tried going to Little Tokyo for a bit, but the heat was unbearable, and after poking around Kinokuniya, we went home.  Kinda wish I'd been around for more of the Nisei Week events that had been going on the week prior.  I was able to take a picture of the queen and her court though, as we were passing by the Kyoto Grand Hotel looking for an ATM.  They all had beautiful kimonos on.  They looked like formal, layered ones though, so I imagine they must have been terribly hot in them. x.x

A nifty thing I found was some recordings of the characters from the first TMGS game reading the story of Die Legende fur Madchen, which is referenced in the game.  Listening to Takehito Koyasu as Himuro Reiichi reading the story makes my heart warm and melt. *^^*

お休みなさい。

I'm thinking I should be getting As in both classes.  I still have my Japanese final tomorrow, but I'm feeling somewhat confident about it all.  What's funny is this would be the first time I've gotten all As since the 3rd grade.  I'd been an underachiever for a long time...  I think that I'm glad I'm able to go back to school now when I can appreciate it more, and am more aware and informed about things.  Rather than going wherever the wind may take me, I have a plan, a starting path to follow.  I may not be young, but...I feel a lot less out of place now.

I registered for Fall classes this past Saturday.  I'll be taking more Japanese, an early US History class, and a history of Opera class.  I might try to add one more, but it'll require some talks with administration about past issues.  I'm not too worried about it though.

I recently got two games for the DS that I forgot to buy when I was at AX.  Tokimeki Memorial Girl's Side: 1st Love Plus, and Tokimeki Memorial Girl's Side: 2nd Kiss.  Yes, they're both otome games. XD;  I love them though, and I've wanted games like them ever since trying out certain other games.... *coughSeasonoftheSakuracough*  >.>  What is really awesome though is the fact that all of the character dialogue (except for the character you play) are all voiced!  And they've got some top name seiyuu in there!  AND!  The game has an Emotion Voice System (EVS) that can make the male characters say your name, with some limitations of course.  Normally I'd spell out my name as セレーナ, but when I enter the pronounciation as せりな, it sounds very accurate. =D  Hearing the guys say my name was quite giggle-inducing!

The first game has been a lot easier than the second game though, in regards to getting endings.  I've been able to get the endings for Kei Hazuki and Reiichi Himuro, but I've gotten the 'bad' ending for the second game twice now.  Which is a shame too, because the second game has an extra event you can do during dates.  When I was trying to get Teru Saeki's ending, those were particularly amusing and enjoyable. =) 

Alright, I think I've let off enough fan-girl steam.  The games have helped me to practice reading hiragana, katakana, and what kanji we've been taught though.  Plus, since it is voiced, I can hear how the characters read the kanji I don't know, and slowly remember them in addition to what I've learned.

But for now, time to study.  今、私は勉強します！

I'll keep the con report simple.

Thursday
- Spent majority of day at AX Idol auditions.  Saw many AX Karaoke and VAA folks.
- Didn't make it to finals (sad face =( ).  But friends from above did!
- Had consolation meal at IHOP with some VAA folks.
- Watched most of Battle of the Bands.  Yay Broken Lane for winning!  And Auncia is hot! >.>

Friday
- Spent majority of day in dealer's room.  Whee shopping binge!
- Got CD signed by Auncia band members.  Did I mention they're hot? 
(I should note that they seemed happy I greeted them properly in Japanese, but I felt bad that I couldn't continue carrying the conversation on in their native language, as I'd only been in class for 2 weeks. XP )
- Went to Karaoke and sang my song from the auditions (Tsuki no Akari from FF IV).  Wish I could have done it as well when I was being judged. >.<
- Was asked to be a guest judge for Karaoke Ultimate Fighting Challenge.  Hilarity was had by all!

Saturday
- Wore the outfit I intended to wear for AX Idol.  I think I looked good. <3
- Attended AX Idol show.  Friends all did damn good jobs. =)
- Managed to go backstage to congratulate folks and talk to Tony Oliver, who was a judge for voice acting.
- Swung by Acoustikaraoke for a bit.  Many folks from BotB were there.
- Attended Bang Zoom workshop with VAA/VAC folks and got to voice Melissa from Magna Carta 2.  Represent!!
- Another IHOP meal with VAA/VAC folks.
- Watched Gerardo (G-Force) perform in Last Coming Standing.  Way to kick some comedian ass!

Sunday
- Attended Voice Actor and Robot Chicken panels.  Funny stuff!
- Went to NIS America panel.  One gent said there may be another Marl Kingdom game in the works!  And they're hiring a new editor!
- Met back up with Karaoke staff later in the evening for a meal and some karaoke in Little Tokyo.  Good times!

Despite the let down at the beginning, this Anime Expo was a blast!  It felt good to be among friends old and new, and to relive the experience that is attending a major anime con.  Thanks a lot everyone for making me feel welcome. =)

Classes at PCC have been good thus far.  I've received As in my acting class thus far, and mostly top scores in Japanese class.  Need to work on a monologue for next week and prepare for Japanese midterm on Monday.  Hopefully all will go well.

じゃまた！

When I was a young girl growing up, Michael Jackson was one of my favorite pop stars.  I can't explain the reasoning for his appeal to me when I was so young....he just did.  I had a doll of him in a blue glittering uniform jacket and gold pants, which I carried around with me until the day I lost it at a JC Penney.  I remember watching Captain EO at Disneyland.  I had the Moonwalker video, which I watched so many times, and even took to school once so other kids could watch it in the after school daycare.  I remember having a dream about the game based on that video, and of being able to meet him in person.  I always imagined him as a gentle and kind person.

My first album that I personally owned was the Dangerous album, which Mom got for me as a Christmas present.  I remember watching the TV eagerly awaiting the premiere of his videos for that album, which they'd air on FOX.  His appearance had changed a lot, but I still loved his music and watching him perform.

I never got to see him live.  And even though I considered it so many times, I never was able to send a letter to him.  It is so strange to hear this news, that such a legend could so easily and suddenly be gone.  But I know that he lives on in our memories, and in the music and generosity he shared with the world for so much of his lifetime.

I hope that wherever Michael is, he is at peace.  And I hope that his children will be able to endure.

Lately I've been coming across photos of myself from the past. It makes me think of the line from Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen. "...you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine." Even though people made me feel like I was fat back then, I can see that I was truly in my prime in my late teens/early twenties. I want to at least return to that girl I used to be. But it's going to take time getting my physical health in order.

Mom has had me on a very specific budget. I have been trying to work with it, and I think I've been pretty successful so far given the circumstances. It helps that I hesitate when it comes to buying a lot of things I'd like to have. I'm hopeful that when something really REALLY desirable comes along, she will be willing to indulge me.

I've registered for PCC for the summer interim. I'm taking an acting class and a Japanese class. When I was trying to come up with an outline for what I want out of college, I was planning to get an AA and transfer for a 4 year degree in Music. But I also want to be able to meet certain goals with my education: to sing at a professional level, to be able to perform in musical theater and voice over, and to learn how to mix music and audio productions. The sad thing is that these aren't typically all under a single major, but I'm hoping I can meet all of them by the end of this journey. Classes start this coming Monday. I'm hoping everything goes well.

A while back, Brett was encouraging me to try out for AX Idol again, so I signed up for the singing category. I remember my last voice teacher talking about how you had to visualize seeing yourself succeed in your performance. I dug up the trophy from when I won Karaoke in 2004 as something to look at to help bolster my confidence. I want to believe that I am good enough to make it on that stage, that industry professionals will hear and acknowledge this much to be true. Sweet prednisone, heal me long enough to nail AX Idol!

I convinced a friend from LARP to sign up for the voice acting category. The man has an incredible dynamic to his voice. I'm hoping he'll be able to make it to the finals. I'd be seriously surprised if he doesn't make it.

I want to be able to share my singing. I did it only a little bit on the VAA before, but this time, I want to try it with Youtube. Just need to sit down and record some songs...

And now, to answer some interview questions from ignomius

1. Do you think "good things happen to good people" to still be a particularly relevant statement in today's world?

Yes and no.  I have seen it as a recent trend among some peers, but my circle of acquaintances isn't the world, and I imagine that there are likely a lot of good people who sadly aren't as fortunate.  I do think that good things are "more likely" to happen to good people though.

2. You're on stage for one night of your life, your audience untold millions. What song would you give to them?

Gosh, this is probably the hardest thing to answer, and it is one I have wondered about a lot.  Knee-jerk reaction would be The Wizard and I from Wicked.  It's a very hopeful and energetic song, and it matches how I feel at the moment with getting this recent chance.

3. Which Monopoly piece do you prefer when you play?

If I get first choice, then I like picking the top hat.  I think it is because deep down I'd love to dress up fancy and be "puttin' on the Ritz."

4. Would you let the world burn for the one you love above all else?

Ugh, love versus my morality.  It'd be very easy for me to say "it depends" but...if I felt like allowing what was happening was wrong, I would try to stop it, even if it went against my loved one's wishes.

5. What do you belive will be the ultimate fate of man?

I think at some point, we're going to end up destroying ourselves.  I don't know if it will be from an all out war, or running out of resources, but with things going as they have been, it's like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

I don't know what was different this time....

....but this time, Mom finally said yes. She'll give me a second chance to go to college full time.

I'm dumbfounded and excited and scared all at once. But I'm gonna do my best not to screw this up!

Brace yourselves, cause I just wanted to write and get it out of my system, at least a little. This was prompted by recent events and conversation.

So. I'm sure some of you may have come across the videos of Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent, right? It brought tears to my eyes watching it. Why? Because I felt like it really hit close to home with me. When Susan is introduced on the show, they are in essence mocking her because of her appearance. She's a 47 year old single woman. She doesn't have the best of looks or the best of clothes. And because of all this, people in the audience smirk and roll their eyes, thinking she's got no talent beneath all that. People laugh at her when she says she wants to be like Elaine Paige (which is a name I've heard of, given she's performed in Andrew Lloyd Webber productions). And then, once everyone shuts up and lets her sing, she nails them with her beautiful singing voice. Everyone does a 180 and is suddenly cheering and applauding her. I don't think I've ever seen Simon Cowell give someone that kind of reaction on American Idol.

Admittedly, I don't know the full story behind everything. It is a TV show after all, and any number of things could have been planned. But I'm sure everyone would like to believe that it was in fact a story of beauty from within being acknowledged and rewarded.

I...I don't know that this would happen on an American show though. Heck, for American Idol, their standards are somewhat different. It's not solely a matter of being able to sing. You have to LOOK like a star. You have to DRESS like a star. And if you can't change your looks, and can't afford those kinds of clothes? Then you get the boot. This is one reason why I've never tried to audition for that show. I'm more likely to be made fun of during the audition part of the season, because I am overweight and can't afford better clothes.

There's something Susan had that I lack though. Even though she was what she was, she had confidence. She took the risk and went on the show. And there are other girls who also are similar looking to myself, but still have confidence.

My mindset is hard to explain... I mean, if there is a song, and I know how to sing it, I will practice it. I've sung while outside, I've sung while hanging out at someone's house, I've sung at karaoke places. I think the furthest I've been willing to go was when I competed in AX Idol. I'd initially been trying for the voice acting side, but after winning at AX Karaoke, I gave the singing side a shot. I was very, VERY nervous that time. I don't know why.... I knew the song, I knew I could sound good singing it. I tried to look nice when I dressed for the auditions. But my confidence wasn't there...

I can only guess that...when it comes to something more serious than a karaoke place....my faith in my abilities as a singer is at odds with my fears of how other people (whose opinions I suddenly have to care about) judge me. All my life I've been judged negatively because I was overweight and didn't have the nicest clothes. All my life I've had to hear people comment on how I sound sick, which was due to my allergies and eventually nasal polyps. And now on top of that, I have had to deal with now being asthmatic, and feeling like I'm no longer capable of doing what I was 4 and a half years ago... It's a lot to fight against in my mind...

I always liked music and singing, as we were always watching Disney films and movie musicals when I was a little girl. When I developed a fandom for Phantom of the Opera, that cranked it up. I wanted to sing like Christine. Then the 90s era of Disney films kicked in, and I wanted to be able to voice a Disney Princess someday. But the confidence...the true confidence is not there..

How does one get confidence? It's been argued that it has to come from within yourself. I don't know if that's really the case. I think confidence, like many things, is something developed while growing up. It's based on the support (or lack thereof) of family and friends, to build up those walls inside you. They lay the foundation, and the individual takes that with them as they move on in life.

My foundation is very poor. If anything, it's almost like a reverse foundation. Not one of confidence, but of low self esteem. How does one undo that kind of thing? It's not as simple as words...it's psychological. It would take a lot of time. And money... And the right kind of help..

It's hard for people to truly understand me and my depression. People look at the word depression and think of what *their view* of the word means. There is a difference between the normal depression a normal person feels, and what a person with clinically diagnosed depression feels. Heck, even the depression between two people who have been diagnosed with it can be different! Because each person has their own background that led up to it. My story is not the same as everyone else's. Can people sympathize? To an extent, yes. But because they are not me with my memories and thought processes and chemicals and hormones in their head, they can't fully understand my problem. They can't understand why I can't just do whatever things they think I can follow to get better.

Anyway... I'll stop there for now.

Went to see Watchmen at midnight showing with people from LARP in Simi Valley. Great movie. Rorschach is the best performance of the bunch. Was nice to see it as a group. Hadn't done something like that in years.

Census Bureau hired me for work. Not a permanent job, but it comes at a good time. Will get me through the next few months. I start on Monday. Not sure what to think about it.

Guild Wars starting to get boring when playing alone. Probably good thing given work schedule starting. Sleep schedule has been off, so haven't been able to play with Jon lately. Don't know why I still care so much... Is it empathy for his current situation? Is it still love?

Made album of gamer nostalgia. You can see it here.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=61752&id=511437369&l=4f8f8

Been tempted to write fanfic. Wrote outline but need to use creative licensing on some history gaps.

Have had several people on Ventrilo comment about my voice sounding sick. I want to punch something every time I hear that. Need to see doctor again but missed scheduled appointments due to sleep schedule being off. There were a couple polyps left behind from the first surgery... Flonase is not doing crap to shrink them down...

Want to sing....

The cloud... The wave... It's been hitting me pretty hard recently. The nightmare I had back when I worried about Jon leaving me when we were in Austin has been haunting my mind again.

That side of the scale has always had a heavy weight. Years of significant moments that have made me feel like my life, my existence is worth little to anyone. Things that I don't really know how to deal with, even after so many years. I've talked to many people about my problems. Family, friends, lovers... And it's not something they really know how to deal with either, because they can't see why it hurts me so, why it's such a problem for me to begin with. I don't know that any random professional I'd end up with yet again at Kaiser would help me. It would take a particular type of person, I think, to truly comprehend. I don't know where such a person could be.

But...it's not like there's nothing on the other side of the scale. Just that frequently weights get taken away as easily as they get dropped in on that side. Because they tend to be temporary things, or short term. Or they tend to be people who are not strong enough to face off against that other side, and thus give up. Or they are double weighted, and with what weight they bring to this side, they also add to the other.

Brett doesn't want to lose me. My brother, despite being a double weight, tried to make me laugh when I was depressed. Catherine wanted me to record a song for her that I mentioned. I want to be able to hear and see her debut and support her. I want to see Lonzo grow up and become a wonderful boy and man.

I've had dreams in my heart... To sing, to have a family of my own. And yet they too are double weighted, because of all the obstacles and complications that get in the way...

Why the hell should I have to conform to your bullshit standards to achieve happiness?? Fuck!!

It's funny how things tend to time themselves.

As I mentioned, I lost my job. It was my Christmas present from my boss. Who lost his father on Christmas day. Despite this and some other circumstances, he at least is giving me severance pay till March and continuing my health benefits till May. I need to motivate myself to want to see the doctor soon...

Brett managed to get a friend from LARP to give me his Guild Wars games and account since he never really played and wasn't interested in it anymore. I've been pouring my sulking depression into trying to quickly get my fill of the game so I can detach once I have a new job lined up. I like it, at least following the storyline anyway. I imagine that I'll tire of what remains after.

Jeff has been in touch a little bit lately. There seems to be that lingering flame between us, despite the fact that a relationship would likely never work. I sensed that he wished things could be different so it could... I understand it, having felt it myself lately, with him and Brett... But...I don't see any of us changing soon...

Brett heard from some other LARP buddies that they were having a New Year's Eve party in OC. I'm glad that we went, despite having to be the designated driver. They had Rock Band, and we had a lot of fun singing along. It makes me nostalgic about hanging out and playing video games with friends back in high school. I of course was wanting to get on the mic a lot. =D Wish they had more female songs though. Trying to hit low guy range was hard on the throat!

There was a gentleman from LARP who ended up passing away this past Tuesday. He was 36, yet died of a heart attack, supposedly related to his high blood pressure he'd needed medication for. Despite not being close with him or knowing him well, his death struck me pretty hard... Wishing that I'd known him better, and seeing a lot in him that I admired and wished I could apply to myself.

Rest In Peace, Taylor...

The last has had me continue to analyze my circumstances and wonder how to improve them on my terms. I want to be able to feel like I *can* do what I want to do. I want to wear cool clothes *now*, not once I lose weight. I want to take a job that would appeal to me in some way, not just some bullshit office job cause I'm desperate for money. I haven't been happy trying to fit to what I thought others would want of me. So fuck it!

And so we come to the close of 2008.

Things are not ideal right now, honestly. In addition to much of what has already been mentioned, I was recently laid off from my job. But...I'm hopeful that things will be better as we begin the new year.

In winter of 1995, I got to sing my first solo in high school. The song has always stuck with me and come to mind during this time of year. While I'm obviously not at my vocal best, I decided to go ahead and one shot it and share it.

It's Just Another New Year's Eve

Take care, everyone.  See you next year. <3

Kinda in a weird mood right now, where I want to write and yet feel like the well is on the dry side.

Both nights of the Smashing Pumpkins concerts were very, very awesome. Brought Brett along, which seemed like a good thing in the end. Despite many things, going to concerts with Brett has always been fun. Kinda bummed I couldn't see the band (especially Billy) after the show, but the actual stage door was blocked off by security (by a great distance), and I didn't know if they would have come to the front area at all.. I posted mini reviews of both shows on their website. Ended up having a dream about Billy the night after.

The Saturday following, my sister had me drive down to San Diego to babysit my nephew, Lonzo. He truly is an adorable baby, and reminds me so much of how we (my siblings and I) looked when we were little. Lonzo liked getting my attention a lot, faking crying and then grinning at me when I'd give in and turn to him out of concern. He has such a sweet smile. I think that he would probably do quite well in any baby contest. The experience had me wonder if I'd be able to handle taking care of a baby of my own. I don't think I did so bad but I didn't have to do a whole lot..

Despite the late hour, I drove back home the same night, which was good given Catherine was upset about something that had happened and tried IMing me just before I got home. We talked for a long time that night, and I felt like things were okay. But she's very sensitive about certain things going on around her right now, and she ended up upset with me again. It's had me thinking a lot about our friendship, and about being a fan.

Jon and Brett have been having me play some games. Jon wants me to play WoW and Earth and Beyond, and Brett wants me to play Guild Wars. WoW hasn't been very appealing. I hate grinding, I hate gather quests, and I hate partying with stupid/impatient people (especially if they're tanking). Earth and Beyond looks interesting, but Net 7 is still trying to get it back to its former glory. Jon says he asks me to play because none of his other friends are as interested in playing with him. It's very difficult because it just makes me think of how he liked my helping him when we were together. Guild Wars has been interesting, though I don't know how I feel about it yet. It's definitely different.

I feel like I'm starting to have a downtime with Second Life. With being back in Los Angeles, no longer in a relationship Mr. Z, and not having any strong ties with others in the game anymore, it's like it's lost its appeal as a social outlet. I've actually been pretty frustrated with the past few theme nights at RT. I don't even know if I should go to tonight's or not... I do want to put more pictures up in the album though.  I'm very proud of the shots I've taken in game.

A cloud came in last night, and I still feel it lingering...   So I'll stop for now.

There have been ups and downs. For the moment, I feel okay.

I'll get the negative crap out of the way first.

( A jerk neighbor... )

( Mr. Z... )

And now for some positives.  You don't need me to cut these. =P

I'm glad that Catherine is feeling a bit better about the videos I posted. There's been a lot of positive feedback on both sides of the pond, and I'm hopeful everyone will support her when her debut comes out in the spring. In the meantime, it's possible I'll be getting a translation of the dialog from the videos, and may be able to put up subtitled versions soon.

I got curious about the previous year's winner, Kita Shuhei, while looking up videos on Nico Nico. It's difficult when I don't understand spoken Japanese. I've been trying to read his blog, and from what I can make out, he seems like a fun, sweet guy. =)



I love that video. <3 I went ahead and ordered his cds from CDJapan when it turned out none of the stores in Little Tokyo had them. I hope it makes a difference.

Thanksgiving was nice.  It's funny how it seems to go over better than Christmas.  I got to enjoy the wonderful cooking of my mom's husband, to meet my uncle's new wife and their baby girl, and to see my sister and her baby boy, who I can attest is the cutest baby I have ever seen. =)  I'll try to get some pictures up to share soon.

Despite things going downhill with Mr. Z, a nice form of comfort appeared at just the right time.  When I attended the Masquerade ball for this past Friday's event in Second Life, there was a gentleman cat that offered to dance with me when I sought a partner.  Interestingly enough, he had the same Luskwood tuxedo cat avatar that I had.  We talked a lot in IM and I found myself very comfortable around him.  He was even willing to indulge me when I wanted to take some pictures together.  =D  For the moment, I think things will be okay.

Two nights of Smashing Pumpkins goodness starting tomorrow!!!! <3333